Trusting people is one of the hardest things for me to do. Someone says they will do something and my mind always goes to the “but-what-if-you-don’t” scenario, which also makes it messy because now I have an anxiety attack to keep at bay. I do trust the people closest to me, but trust is scary for me. I’ve been betrayed by people I trusted (as have you, I’m sure) more times than I can count.
My problem is that I carry my lack of trust over to God as well. Now, in theory, I know that He loves me, has a plan for me, and always has my back. That being said, I try to take back the issues I’ve handed over to Him time and time again. I don’t *think* I’m being distrustful of God, but my actions are testimony to the fact that I am not trusting my Creator to know what’s best for me. Yeah. So…. That’s an issue.
My challenge is to stop yanking back the issues He has taken from me and to trust Him to work things out. His timing, not mine. So there’s another issue. I’m not exactly patient (*ahem*), so I want things to happen quickly. I don’t want to wait until things are perfect for changes to happen. I want them now (or, at least, “soon”). Like, five minutes after “now” would work. However, our Heavenly Father works in his own time. He may need us to learn something else before we get to the next season. I just want to fly past “GO” and collect my $200, for crying out loud. In the words of Larry the Cable Guy, “Git ‘er done!”
Every time I’ve tried to rush God’s timing, I come to understand that there was a reason I needed to wait. There was something I needed to learn, but didn’t, so I failed. These things I know. In theory. In practice, though….. Man, am I stubborn. You’d think I’d learn…but I don’t. I keep wanting to rush things ahead and skip the lessons.
During the days when I get my quiet time and can just be still, I can feel His presence and I know the waiting is for my protection and success. On the other days, though…. Whew. I turn into a crazed squirrel on espresso….. My mind starts spinning about ways I can get the things I want faster. I want to rush things ahead, regardless of consequence. The thing is, God may want me to have something, but that doesn’t mean He wants me to have it NOW.
I’ve been really battling the fact that I don’t have someone in my life to hold me and kiss my forehead and hold my hand. Someone to tell me that it will all be alright. Someone who has my back. The loneliness is really a tough pill to swallow because I am rarely “lonely”. However, I’ve been ill off and on for a while and it’s taking its toll on me emotionally. I believe that God wants me to have an amazing relationship with a man of God one day, but not today. Naturally, this doesn’t sit well with me. I pray for the qualities I would like to this mysterious man of the future to have, but I catch myself turning it into the mysterious man of the right now.
I think the hardest thing for me to do is to put control of my life in someone else’s hands, even if that someone created me and knows my plan. The One who knows my heart and everything about me. The One who loves me for who I am, despite my attempts to derail His plans. The One who forgives me daily. The One who sent His son to die for me.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV)
Psalm 139:12 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. (NIV)
*originally published on March 18, 2017*