Say a Little Prayer for Me….

This year has been tough. There have been so many significant health issues to work through along with the other challenges of daily life. I am not a person who likes to sit idly, but I’ve had no choice because of the pains, aches, and other illnesses that have been part of my life this year. The idleness allows me to spend more time in my own head. Translation: not good.

I thought an emergency surgery in February would have been the end of my medical troubles for the year. Ya know: get it out of the way early in the year and healthfully sail through the rest of ’17 like a boss. After all, that surgery was significant, it was painful, and it was expensive in so many ways. It not only cost a lot of money, it also cost me my confidence, my independence for some time, and, honestly, nearly my faith. Thankfully, though, I had the prayerful backing of my amazing church and friends, so my faith remained. Shaken, not stirred. But intact. At least I remembered whose I was.

After the surgery, I got back on track. I handled my healing – physical and spiritual – the way I handle everything: jump all in and push harder. Some may call it impatient. However, I say I’m simply embracing my continuous improvement mindset in a rather efficient manner…… At breakneck pace, actually, since I always have a to-do list a mile long and only a small window in which to accomplish those tasks. In hindsight, too quickly.

Confession: I am not one to ask for help often. I try to help others as I can, but “I don’t need no stinkin’ help”, thank you very much. I’ve always been independent, but being a single mom for so many years has made me even more self-sufficient. And, perhaps, even prideful at times. The I-can-do-it-myself mentality is, at times, isolating and lonely. Yet, my sense of accomplishment has always been greater when I could do something on my own. Surgery and healing altered that mindset (for a while).

During the healing process, I learned several things. I don’t believe I could have learned these things in any other way than by having my independence revoked, if only temporarily:

  • I learned that other people like to help just as much as I enjoy helping others. Weird, right? I took people up on their offers to help and I was shocked to find that I was grateful for rather than embarrassed of the help.
  • I learned that it’s not always easy to hand our troubles over to God in our prayers, but it’s vitally important. Only when I surrendered my fears was I able to rest. 
  • I learned that sometimes the pain isn’t the worst part of healing. Sometimes it’s the numbness, other times it’s feeling alone. At times, the tears roll down your cheeks and you don’t know why. You can’t put your reasons into words. When I reached out to friends to pray for me, the tears stopped and I felt surrounded by love.

Despite the fact that the surgical wounds have {finally} healed, the random illnesses have continued, some easy fixes and others not-so-much. In my mind, I know that I am blessed because I have friends and family who care for me, a heavenly Father who loves me, and a church to steady my faith when it’s shaky. Still, I find myself asking “why me?“, and then immediately feeling guilty for asking the question.

This week was a new illness. Not life-threatening, #thankyouJesus, but still debilitating, mysterious, and frustrating. Partial diagnoses are becoming my “thing”. I’m finally starting to feel better, but am still struggling with the “why” part of this latest adventure.

I’m trying to find solace in the truth of God’s word, but sometimes the comfort doesn’t come, which creates a new set of questions. What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I understand? Is He trying to tell me something that I am not hearing? I have been angry, frustrated, lonely, and depressed this week. Well, this year, actually. I know deep down that these feelings are the work of the enemy.

Why, then, is it still so hard to remember the lessons I learned earlier this year? 

I’m not dealing with these issues because God doesn’t love me. Quite the opposite, actually. I know that He does love me and is protecting me. I know that I need to lean into Him during these trials and remember to ask Him for help. I know that I need to focus constantly on my faith through prayer and surrender my anger, frustration, depression, and loneliness at the cross.

So, here I am, asking for help: Please pray for me. That I may find peace and comfort, that I can let go of all of my feelings that serve no good purpose, and for protection from all things that mean me harm.

 

 

 

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