This post is going to hurt. There’s no way around it, but I have much to say about the past few days….. I actually wish this could be done in complete anonymity because it’s embarrassing and upsets me, but here goes…..
I think every single person has days when they wish someone was there to talk to or hug them, and to remind them that we are loved unconditionally. However, those days are few and far between for me. I have moments – and sometimes hours – but days? Not usually, and – when it does happen – I can usually come out of it pretty quickly. I’m struggling to come out of it right now.
I saw something I can never unsee over the weekend and it has made me examine my own mortality. Just to be clear, I don’t mean in an “OMGIAmObsessedWithDeath” kind of way, but as a “WowThatCouldHaveBeenAnyone” context.
As expected, that should rock your world. I counted off a list of blessings as I said my prayers, for sure. BUT….. I also have found myself wondering about my current situation if something bad were to happen.
- My kiddos: would they recover and blossom after time healed their wounds? Would they know how much I loved them?
- Friends and family: would they know how much they meant to me and how much I cherished their love?
I think those are normal items to investigate. You think about them, make adjustments, and move forward. Normal behavior.
Then there is the stuff I keep hidden, way deep down. The fears that are not uttered aloud because they sound stupid and selfish, but they are so real for me. These are the things that are tearing me up over the past couple of days. These are the things that are making me hard for myself to stand.
- I am afraid of not being seen as a success in anything I’ve done.
- I fear that I would just disappear from memory and be deemed irrelevant and/or nonexistent.
- I wonder if I’ve impacted anyone enough that my absence would be noticed.
- I question if I’ve loved enough so that my loved ones would know how much I love them.
And then the toughest one to think about:
- I wonder if anyone will ever fall in love with me.
I’ve been married and I’ve dated, but never have I had a man love me for who I am. There were always strings attached. Never healthy relationships. I was never “enough” for anyone. Either they liked how I looked in my thin/athletic days or they liked my personality in my fat days, but never both at once. The relationships I had were based on control. Now, at a time in my life where I am finally in the right place for a healthy relationship, to worry about it never happening is a scary prospect.
I’m trying to be patient, trust God, and calm my fears, but it’s so hard to do with fresh memories stuck in my head. I do not know what is planned for me. I know I can trust the plan, but I’m struggling to relinquish control.
In the midst of all that is happening in the world, I know this sounds silly and selfish, but imagine having love to give, yet not being able to give it because no one wants to receive it. That’s my struggle.
I try to remain silent and keep these thoughts hidden, but they need to be brought to light so that I can move past them because once they are freed from the darkness, they will have no power over my thoughts over me.