Fears

This post is going to hurt. There’s no way around it, but I have much to say about the past few days….. I actually wish this could be done in complete anonymity because it’s embarrassing and upsets me, but here goes…..

I think every single person has days when they wish someone was there to talk to or hug them, and to remind them that we are loved unconditionally. However, those days are few and far between for me. I have moments – and sometimes hours – but days? Not usually, and – when it does happen – I can usually come out of it pretty quickly. I’m struggling to come out of it right now.

I saw something I can never unsee over the weekend and it has made me examine my own mortality. Just to be clear, I don’t mean in an “OMGIAmObsessedWithDeath” kind of way, but as a “WowThatCouldHaveBeenAnyone” context.

As expected, that should rock your world. I counted off a list of blessings as I said my prayers, for sure. BUT….. I also have found myself wondering about my current situation if something bad were to happen.

  • My kiddos: would they recover and blossom after time healed their wounds? Would they know how much I loved them?
  • Friends and family: would they know how much they meant to me and how much I cherished their love?

I think those are normal items to investigate. You think about them, make adjustments, and move forward. Normal behavior.

Then there is the stuff I keep hidden, way deep down. The fears that are not uttered aloud because they sound stupid and selfish, but they are so real for me. These are the things that are tearing me up over the past couple of days. These are the things that are making me hard for myself to stand.

  • I am afraid of not being seen as a success in anything I’ve done.
  • I fear that I would just disappear from memory and be deemed irrelevant and/or nonexistent.
  • I wonder if I’ve impacted anyone enough that my absence would be noticed.
  • I question if I’ve loved enough so that my loved ones would know how much I love them.

And then the toughest one to think about:

  • I wonder if anyone will ever fall in love with me.

I’ve been married and I’ve dated, but never have I had a man love me for who I am. There were always strings attached. Never healthy relationships. I was never “enough” for anyone. Either they liked how I looked in my thin/athletic days or they liked my personality in my fat days, but never both at once. The relationships I had were based on control. Now, at a time in my life where I am finally in the right place for a healthy relationship, to worry about it never happening is a scary prospect.

I’m trying to be patient, trust God, and calm my fears, but it’s so hard to do with fresh memories stuck in my head. I do not know what is planned for me. I know I can trust the plan, but I’m struggling to relinquish control.

In the midst of all that is happening in the world, I know this sounds silly and selfish, but imagine having love to give, yet not being able to give it because no one wants to receive it. That’s my struggle.

I try to remain silent and keep these thoughts hidden, but they need to be brought to light so that I can move past them because once they are freed from the darkness, they will have no power over my thoughts over me.

6 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 
7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” 
Phillippians 4:6-7 (NKJV)

Purpose

“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10 (NKJV)

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5 (NKJV)

Some days it’s just hard. It’s so tough to remember that we are here to do more than work, pay bills, shuttle kids, walk dogs, and do (endless amounts of) laundry. Some days, it’s absolutely impossible to understand our purpose.

Between the struggles over homework, dinner, sports, and bathing, it’s easy to lose sight of what matters. We go on autopilot and merely go through the motions just to get it all done. This emotional detachment can come in handy, but it also creates a rift. I get accused of not caring, being mean, ruining lives, etc., and it’s all because I have to detach from emotions to deal with the demands.

At the end of the day, though, I can see glimpses of purpose shimmering through the cobwebs of my mind. When my mind is quiet. When no one is demanding my attention. When it’s time to rest. That little glimmer sometimes fades out before it comes fully into focus, but other times it arrives like a sunrise in my head, spreading light to the darkest corners of my mind. Nothing is left in the dark in those moments. I can see that greater things await. There is hope.

While I may not see my complete divine purpose in those moments, I can see the promise of my purpose, that I was created for more than a battle of wills with a feisty and stubborn tween. The darkness vanishes and the prospect of a life lived according to His plan takes center stage. In those moments, I am able to rest peacefully because I know that God has my back.

When I seek Him, I find myself in a more hopeful place mentally, and find the light fills my mind. When I skip time with God, I find that darkness overtakes everything so quickly and I don’t have time to react or stop the onslaught. It’s like weeding a garden (poison ivy and pricker bushes) while you’re still fertilizing and watering the weeds. #losingbattle

Tonight I needed to center myself. I sought guidance in The Word and was reminded that there IS more. The surface only tells part of the story. The highlights, really. When you dig deeper, you find more: more to the story, more to the world, more to who you are meant to be, more to your purpose.

We were created for a specific reason to fulfill a specific role in God’s Kingdom. We may take some detours in getting to our destination, but we will always arrive because it’s what we were created to do. I am grateful that there is nothing I – or any other human – can do to derail God’s plans for me. Delays will come, but His plan always wins.