After a long week filled with so many perceived failures, I “lost my crap” Saturday. After a relatively sleepless week filled with way too many demands from multiple directions, I “lost my crap” Saturday. After a week of believing the lies spoken over and to me (see sleepless comment above), I “lost my crap” Saturday. After a week of unstoppable pain, I “lost my crap” Saturday. I lost it. Breaking point. “Hello, life? This is crazy person.” Done. Past the limit.
Between work and personal obligations, I was pulled thin. I was exhausted, in pain, confused, frustrated, hurt, and criticized. Usually, I am able to remember whose I am, but the lack if sleep made me forget, and I began to compare.
Comparing myself to the “good moms”. Comparing myself to the “people who can function without a list”. Comparing myself to the ones who look beautiful. Comparing myself to the ones who seem unflappable. Comparing and ashamed.
I love authenticity, but I found myself despising my authentic self. The real me suddenly was less than enough after breaking through that barrier months ago.
Life deals us a doozy of a hand sometimes. We lose focus. We wallow in self pity. We find ourselves too exhausted to pick up the pieces.
After I “lost my crap”, the guilt set in. Guilt is debilitating for me. I blame myself for my struggles, for the struggles of others, for the Cuban Missile Crisis…. Irrational guilt.
Guilt is from the enemy. Conviction is from God. These things I know, yet head knowledge is different from heart knowledge. Guilt tells you that you are less than, worthless, an idiot. Conviction tells you to repent and you’ll be forgiven because you are loved.
I found myself calling myself names and beating myself up over exhaustion. I’ve heard a couple of amazing sermons based on Genesis passages lately that relate to this stellar display of shame (*eyeroll*).
God placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:25 NKJV)
After eating from the only tree that was forbidden, their tune changed. God was walking in the garden, but Adam and Eve were hiding. When God asked why, Adam replied, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” (Genesis 3:10 NIV). They were ashamed.
God asked Adam, “…Who told you that you were naked?” (Genesis 3:11 NIV)
A story I’ve known my entire life, yet the question, “Who told you?” finally clicked. Who. Told. Me? Who told me I was worthless? Who told me I was stupid? Who told me I was less than? Who told me I was ugly? Who told me I was a disgrace? Who told me I was a bad mom? Who told me? Who. Told. Me?
I did. I told myself those things. Planted by others along the way, yes, but I chose to believe those lies. I’m sure the enemy was dancing a jig because believing those lies thwarts my walk toward my purpose.
We have free will. We can choose to believe falsehoods, or we can choose to rebuke them. I made the wrong choice on Saturday, and I paid for that choice.
Truths: God created us in His image. Not ours. His. We are his beloved children. We are His masterpiece. We are enough. There is no reason to be ashamed.
I’ve spent the past few days trying to pick up the pieces of that mistake and have repented for that choice. He has forgiven me. I’m sure tears fell from His eyes as He watched that episode. But, if I choose to relive that mistake, I am overcome with guilt and shame. Guilt and shame that He didn’t give me. Guilt and shame that try to pull me farther from Him.
Friends, the next time you “lose your crap” and attack yourself and encounter shame, I pray that you hear the question: “Who told you?” Not God. I pray that you are able to feel the presence of God reminding you that you are His. That you are loved. That you are chosen, called, capable. Lay the guilt at His feet and pick up His promises. March forward unashamed.