I spent this whole week just trying to hold on. Hold on to my convictions. Hold on to my sense of humor. Hold back my tears. Hold on to finances. Hold on to my tasks. Hold on to my schedule. Hold on to my purpose. Hold on Hold on to my sanity. Hold on to some semblance of control. Sooo…. The week worked out well for me. *NOT*
Every step I have taken lately seems to add more stress. It’s just one of those seasons where God seems to be trying to show me that He has it under control and to let Him be Him. Some days I get it. Other days? #notsomuch.
I’ve been trying to focus on what I am supposed to learn from Him. I have learned a lot, but I still have a long way to go. I am a recovering control freak. I like things to be done my way because I’m me. When I look back on where I was a few years ago, though, I do see improvement. I’ve learned to let some things go. But not everything. Not even close.
God’s grace covers me and my issues, I know, but this is still my struggle. I want control and, while I say I trust God, walking it out is another story.
I listened to a sermon series online this week that impacted me immensely. The series talked about release. As I listened, I found myself talking aloud in my car and agreeing with the pastor as he spoke. #yesandamen
This series got me thinking about the things I am holding onto so tightly that I cannot catch God’s blessings. My hands are full of many things. My offenses and grudges. My own plans. My past experiences. My hurt. My shame. My anger. My bitterness. My perceived worthlessness. Ouch. <insert grace here>
Through these sermons, I was able to identify some things I desperately need to release. The pastor mentioned that we can make these things we should let go a part of our identity. Um. Yup. Got that t-shirt. A whole closet full of them, actually. Eek.
I prayed for God to fill me with His spirit and show me what He wanted to reveal to me. A word of caution: do not ask Him to reveal things to you if you are not sure you want to see them, because He will show you what you ask Him to reveal to you. Always. You cannot unsee these things. Children, do not try this trick at home. Scary stuff. Oof.
As the weekend gets underway, I am calmer and able to process a little more of what was shown to me over the course of this week. I’m starting now – in this moment – to release things not meant for me so that I’m able to grab the blessings He has in store for me. I’m seeking out His wisdom and guidance.
Another revelation was this: even our struggle bus rides are blessings because challenges teach us more about who we were created to be – and more about God’s character – than we could ever learn in contentment. We must seek Him. Lean on Him. Cry out to Him. We must become desperate for Him in our trials.
My prayer has shifted as a result of this overwhelming week. I am praying for continued revelations to guide me in what to release and I am thanking him for my blessings (past, present, and future), including the difficult moments along my path.
I am so grateful that He is always faithful. Thank you, God, for loving us enough to teach us Your ways.
“He who earnestly seeks righteousness and loyalty Finds life, righteousness, and honor.”
Proverbs 21:21 AMP
“I love those who love me, and those who search for me find me.”
Proverbs 8:17 HCSB
“So I say to you, ask and keep on asking, and it will be given to you; seek and keep on seeking, and you will find; knock and keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.”
Luke 11:9 AMP