Off Balance

When I get overwhelmed, my mind splinters in a million directions and I struggle to find my mental footing. Every thought I manage to touch seems to shift and fall away as soon as I reach out, leaving me desperate for just one tiny iota of consistency to cling to.

Being off balance is not a feeling I enjoy, to say the least. Honestly? It freaks me out. Stability is a basic need in life and, amidst uncontrolled chaos, stability is nonexistent. Chaos breeds more chaos.

I’m an odd individual because I actually thrive in some chaos and enjoy change (mostly). I like the idea of making something good from an uncertain situation and constantly trying to improve for the future.

However, I definitely have my limits. When nothing is set and I have to chase after everything to try and make sense, it completely exhausts me. Brain disconnect. Fried. Burned out. Toast. This is the epitome of unhealthy chaos.

When I’m stuck in a situation where I cannot wrangle some sense of order from the overwhelming insanity around me, I withdraw and just try to get my brain to shut off. This is not an easy task because I’m wired to try and make things better. When I cannot fix the issue, I consider myself a failure.

I become hypersensitive to every noise around me. I read things into conversations so that everyone is angry with me. I become a total wreck. I become so preoccupied with trying to fix things myself that I forget to call out to the One who can restore order to the mess.

God should be the first person I call out to for help, but my brain is in such turmoil that my thought processes do not make any sense. It takes me a while to recognize that I’m holding myself accountable for fixing the issues because I’m not thinking clearly.

As I walked tonight, I spent the first six minutes of my walk with eyes closed, feeling the crushing weight of this day, and trying to hold back tears while I handed my troubles over to Him. However, I kept taking the issues back, so I had to hand them over again. And again. And again.

Finally, after talking to a friend about my day, my brain decided to cooperate and finally let go. I handed the day back over to God and moved on.

My concern is this: how much time did I waste with anger, sadness, and frustration trying to resolve issues that were not mine to resolve? How much of what I was holding in a death grip wasn’t mine to even hold? How much turmoil did I allow into my life for things that have already been cleansed by His grace?

God is a gentleman. He stands ready and eager to help us, but we need to call out to Him. He is the only one able to restore our footing. He is our rock and foundation. His grace is sufficient and His mercy is unfathomable and unending. He promises us rest when we lay our troubles at His feet, but we must learn to leave them there for Him to solve rather than pick them back up and try to fix things ourselves.

***************

“Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”
Matthew 7:24‭-‬27 NLT

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
Matthew 11:28‭-‬30 NLT

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